you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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