Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
