I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
