The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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