So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
