he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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