I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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