I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
