End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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