i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
