there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
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