i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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