What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
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I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
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I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...