so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
