Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
