Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
