He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
