maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
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I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
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we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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