he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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