My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
