I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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