I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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