I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
