You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
