break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
