I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
