in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
