In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
