That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
