C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
