I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
