If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize