if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
