I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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