Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
