ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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