I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
