thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
