Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
