Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
