she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
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Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
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It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
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