I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
