about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
