sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
