life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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