I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
