Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
