We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
