Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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