No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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