Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
