Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I am spending my child support on dildos
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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