After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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