I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
