i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
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He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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