Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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