dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
