I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
