im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
