she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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