She went from zero to smokin in five shots
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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